When you think it can't possibly get worse....it does.

It turns out that I am not good a math. Turns out that forgotten income that was lost in January is much more detrimental to our precarious financial state that you would think.

The short story is that I forgot that I had some $400 a month coming in from a retainer type agreement for a local bank, I did all they needed as needed when needed for a set rate. I had arranged for this money to go directly toward a credit card bill so there was no chance of spending it and that way I would never miss it. Thus it become "forgotten" unseen money. Well that agreement ended with a change in management in December.
 
Now fast forward to March, we have been extremely short on money for the last two months, having to dip into reserved tax money and "vacation" money (not really ours given to us by in-laws so we could come visit), and for the life of me I could not figure out what the problem was. I mean, I had worked so hard to cut our expenses, I should have been seeing a difference but in fact we were coming up shorter than ever. As I sat in our bank parking lot on Friday in tears over the fact that my husband had gotten paid the day before and already all the money was completely gone (to bills), I realized I had forgotten about the $400 which had been taking care of one of the credit card bills completely. And then I began to cry harder (thankfully both kids were sleeping in their car seats as I try very hard to never let them see me upset), how am I supposed to come up $400 more a month. I feel like I have been backed into a corner, I am going to have no choice but to at least go back to work part-time, otherwise we are just going to keep drowning.

I feel like I have completely failed my family and myself.

And to top in off, in the mail I noticed a letter from my husband's student loan servicer (he never opens his mail) so I opened it and found that his loan had come out of deferment and they now would like $798 and by the way this is already past due 45 days.

I am so overwhelmed, I do not even know what to do. Bankruptcy really wouldn't even help that must as the majority of our debt is student loans which would not be forgiven.  I just want to run away or wake up from this nightmare.

How is it that two people with advanced degrees have ended up in such a mess.

So I am back...

It has been awhile, a day turned in weeks, weeks turned into months, and before I knew it I hadn't been on here in a long time. It also means I haven't been that into my "journey".

But I am back...physically and mentally...or somewhat...

So what have I been doing? Well we joined the YMCA, which was a lot to lay out each month, especially when you are trying to save and cut back. But it has been worth it. I have been going to the gym almost every morning while my son is in preschool to work out, and I am able to leave me 1yr old in child watch at the ymca and have some "me" time.  I started out with just 30 mins and have worked up to 1 1/2 hours. I have rediscovered my love of YOGA and pilates. And have lost 10lbs.

Financially, we have cancelled Time Warner cable and internet and switched to Direct TV and DSL. Savings almost $100 per month, we also downgraded our smart phones to regular cell phones and have saved $80 per month. I have been diligently cutting coupons and trying very hard to save money at the Grocery store. I have greatly curtailed my outside coffee and lunch habits, trying to limit any unnecessary food  expenses. By joining the YMCA, I have been able to save Gas by going to a YMCA near my son's preschool, instead of driving home and back while he is at school. Also by creating a GYM habit I have been able to keep myself from shopping while he is at school, which used to be the favorite pastime.

Unfortunately we have had many unforeseen expenses over the last few months, lots of illness and ER visits with lots of copays. My husband's 16 yr old jeep finally became to unsafe to keep driving, and needed to many repairs to make it worth while, so we purchased a used mini-van and took a short term loan to finance it. Originally, we planned to pay off the loan with our Tax return but now I am not sure if that is right plan, as the interest rate on the loan it quite low. So I think it might be more prudent to put the tax money on the credit card with the highest interest rate. I guess we will seen.

We are also going on a trip in the coming month. My husband side of the family always gets together sometime near Easter, they all meet up in Florida where my in-laws live. We have not gone to this get together in several years. Unfortunately my husband's grandmother in not in good health and may not be with us much longer so my husband really wants to go this year to see her and have her see our children. So my mother in law has graciously given us money towards this trip. We cannot afford to fly, so we are going to be driving. I am sure that unexpected expenses will come up, but we will be staying with my in-laws so at least we do not have to pay for lodging. Family is more important than money....

So that is a quick catch up...I will be back more often, as I find I need this outlet in order to be more successful and accountable in this journey.

Family...the ties that bind, the ties that hurt, the ties that pierce you to the core.

Why is it that family, those who are supposed to be there for you, hurt you the most...

I have a large family, several siblings, all brothers. My youngest brother used to be sweetest cutest little thing. I loved him to death. In the last few years I have watched him grow into a negative mean spirited ass. It seems lately he never has anything nice to say to me. It seems that I have become his personal punching bag. He says biting nasty things to me when ever I am around. Why?

I have never done anything mean spirited or nasty to him. I have gone out of my way to help him when he has asked. I have tried to be a good sister. What do I get in return? I get my feeling hurt on a regular basis. It has gotten to the point that I don't even want to go to my parents house (he lives there) anymore. I don't want my children to see him treat me this way.

Why does what he says hurt me so much? Why do family think they can be so mean, would he say these things to others? He did this to me tonight while sitting next to his girlfriend. It was so embarrassing to be treated this way by him in front of someone I barely know.  I left in tears...

I have asked him why...and he just makes more snide comments and mean jabs at me. I give up. I am so done with this...with him. I miss my cute little brother..

So the Holidays are winding down...and reality is closing in.

I know alot of people get down around the holidays. I am usually really good before the holidays. I love the excitement of Christmas. The decorations, of course the buying, the wrapping, but I really like the giving. I love to give presents, maybe to the excess. There is something nice about making someone else happy. Unfortunately I do not always have the money needed to buy the presents that I buy, which gets me in financial hot water. This Christmas was no exception. I was really good until the week before then I got caught up in the buying frenzy...
Credit cards were used, store accounts were used...it was bad.Amazon makes buying too easy. Does it make it better that I was buying for others? Some of the things I bought went to poor migrant families who had nothing for Christmas. I felt that because it was for Charity and it wasn't things I was keeping it was OK, it was worth it.

I have found that the more I put out into the world, the more I am getting back. I have been donating things, money and time to charities and people in need. I have found the world to be returning my generosity.  My 3 yr old and I rang the Bell for Salvation Army Red Kettle Campaign for an hour the week before Christmas. I felt good for showing him how to help others, (until a family member belittled and attacked my choice of Charity). I feel overall I have put more out into the world this year than maybe any year prior.

However now that Christmas has past, this is when my depression sets in. The reality returns cold and biting. The bills, the overdrafts, the negativity. The overwhelming realities of life.  Snow seems dingy and dirty, the Christmas cheer has passed from people's faces. The uncertainty of a new year approaches with the regrets of things not done or unfinished in the past year.

I watched Hoarders last night with sense of fear and awe. I understood their pain, their inability to move forward. A therapist said the the Obsessive is the buying and spending and accumulating, with the compulsive actually being the inability to let go. Am I where they started....I can't go there.

I have to CHANGE in the coming year. I am getting to the point where I don't want to leave the house because I am embarrassed by my appearance. I have no clothes that make me feel presentable much less good. I don't want my children to be embarrassed by me or our home. I must fix our finances so we don't end up in bankruptcy. I have made this mess and I must figure this out.

A friend recently asked "Do you think others see you, the way you see yourself"

I know they don't. I still see in my mind the thin, pretty, successful, put together women I used to be, but when I look in the mirror she is no longer there. Reality Bites....

Disappointing....isn't it!

I am a disappointment.

It seems that no matter what I do, where I go, what I choose I end up disappointing someone.

My weight issue is a disappointment to several members of my family, as I used to be so thin and pretty.

My choice to give up my career as an attorney to stay at home with my children is disappointing to my family as I am wasting my education.

My financial problems are disappointing to myself as well as those around me, as "I really should have it together by now"

My clutter and buying obsession is a disappointment to those around me (as well as myself) as I should be able to "just stop and get rid of stuff".

I was supposed to be thinner, I was supposed to be prettier, I was supposed to super career woman, I was supposed to be financially secure, I was supposed to be domestic and neat, I was supposed to be normal.

But it appears I am none of those things.....I am just a huge disappointment.

Uncomfortable appearances....

So it has gotten to the point that I don't want to go anywhere where people know me. Especially people that have known me for a long time, those who knew me back when I was thin..

I was recently told the story of one of my much younger cousins seeing a picture of me from when I was in college. And she was like "who is that?" My Aunt told her that it was me, and her response was "She was gorgeous.....what happened?".  This story pierced me to my core. I am I that unrecognizable..have a become so large that I am not at all who I was.

And so I worry constantly when amongst people who knew me "before", what are they thinking, are they are talking about me know, will they later, do they pity me, do I disgust them, are they disappointed in me...it is so embarrassing...

I am so embarrassed and uncomfortable ....I just want to hide.

When I shared this revelation with my husband his response, well then just lose weight.

If only it were that easy...

mommylogues- ramblings from my heart....

I have decided to add a new aspect to my blog...mommylogues. This is will discuss my issues, thoughts and dilemmas with motherhood. I will be speaking from the little place inside that rarely get the time of day.

So here is my first one...

Have I lost myself? I am a wife, I am mother, I am homemaker (such a weird term), but who I am, where is the real me...I feel like I used to be so much more. A dancer, an artist, a student, an avid reader, a player of board games, an attorney....

There used to be so much time for me....so much time for hobbies, and fun. Now the most likely "me" time I get is to take a shower...by myself...and I am loathe to admit that these days, my showers aren't even a daily occurrence. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day...

I remember back in the B.C. (Before Children), having endless amounts of time on my hands. Reading, and board games were a daily occurrence...and that strange phenomenon of "having absolutely nothing to do". Do you remember that...being bored...being able to sleep till noon, just relaxing...sometimes it seems so long ago, like the memory of another life.

In a way that is what is was. It was a another life, a different life. My daily existence is so fundamentally different that is used to be....it is like another galaxy! Maybe this is a factor of waiting to have children. It seems that people I went to high school with that got married and had kids right away never had this huge "culture shock" . Their kids are now old enough that they are in the position I was in the B.C.  Maybe it was easier for them because they never had to mourn this loss of personal freedom, as they had yet to really experience it in adulthood.

I waited until my 30's to have get married, and have children. I was so set in my ways by this time that it was a "HUGE" adjustment.  Our B.C. lifestyle was definitely not compatible with children. We lived in NYC with nominal responsibilities beyond our careers. I dressed up for work, everyday, wore makeup, did my hair, wore impossibly high heels. We worked long,  late, irregular hours, went out with friends at the drop of a hat, ordered food in almost daily, went to movies, clubs, and bars several times a week. Went to the gym everyday. Sunday brunch was a ritual. Housekeeping was never our strong suit, we sent our laundry out and picked it up clean and folded.  We did have a dog, but he didn't (and still doesn't) get the amount of attention he deserves. All nighters either for work or fun were a regular occurrence, and we made do, sleep deprivation and all.

Now things are different...we moved to a suburban area to be closer to family, my daily existence now revolves around my two little ones, I (temporarily?) gave up my career to take care of them. I traded my heels for flats, my suits for jeans and sweats (occasionally pajamas, LOL) . We have cars, and a mortgage, and of course the debt left over from school and our crazy single days. Sleep deprivation has taken on a whole new level, my older self being much less able to function after a sleepless night with sobbing children. I get called "mam" ugh..

I guess we moved from a very "egocentric" existence to one more centered on family and that is not a bad thing at all...but it is a hard change. I still struggle to be domestic (this may just never really happen).  I want to be that awesome "stay at home" mom..but most days I barely get by much less attain "super mom" status.

Please don't take this as complaining, as I realize I am extremely blessed to be where I am and have two beautiful children and not everyone is this lucky. But I have to admit that I sometimes miss my old life, the B.C....

I miss myself. I look in the mirror and am startled by the women staring back at me.. I have defined myself by different standards for so long that I have a hard time finding "me" in my current life. I sometimes look wistfully at my old career wardrobe and plethora of beautiful heels, and recently tried a pair on, ones that I had loved, ones that just always made me feel good whenever I wore them. They felt different...like they didn't quite fit right anymore...

I am beginning to realize that is has been a long time since I have seen "myself" and heard my "voice"....I am so much more than just "mommy", but the amount of energy needed to be successful in a day of mommyhood, leaves little reserved for anything else...