So maybe it is time....

I am seriously considering going back to work. As much as it breaks my heart, it seems that financially I cannot be a stay at home mother anymore. This is something I have been struggling with for the last week or two. I keep going back and forth. I always said I would seriously consider going back to work once my daughter turned one. Well she will be one next month.  It just seems like it came too quickly. I though I had more time. It feels like the last year has flown by. I don't like it.  This is an extremely emotional topic for me. I have spent many moments in tears just in the consideration of this massive life decision.

I am not a perfect stay at home mom. I am not as good as I wanted to be. I am more tired that I thought I would be, I am not as patient as I thought I would be, there is so much I wanted to do with them, intended to do with them, and it just did not turn out as planned. So many crafts undone, and cookies not baked. Is going back to work admitting defeat? Have I failed them? Have I failed myself?

I know that I have made this mess. And I feel extremely guilty that my irresponsible money habits have put me and them in the position of leaving them and going off to work.  The guilt eats me up as night, as I lay in bed unable to sleep. I will miss out on countless special moments with them because of the debt that is drowning us. But they deserve more.

They deserve security...if I don't do this, how long can I keep us from plummeting into the dark abyss of bankruptcy. We could lose everything, and I can't let that happen to them.  But how to I leave them with someone else. It is like leaving your heart....

My little girl is not an easy child to take care of. She is what is politely described as a "high maintenance" baby. She cries....alot!, she is hard to calm. I worry that someone else would not be patient enough with her. I worry someone else might hurt her or worse. How do I do this....?

I also feel extreme guilt as my son had 3 1/2 yrs with me at home. Don't I owe my daughter that much as well? Am I short changing her? Will she hold this against me later? I will miss so much....how do other moms do it?  How I can I entrust the most precious things in my life to someone else? Will the thought of this ever NOT make me cry? How do I choose a childcare provider?

And then there is the issue of balance....how do you balance the job, the kids,the marriage, the housework...I worry that I won't be giving anything 100%, how can I be completely there for everything...something will suffer, something will fall to the wayside.  Especially if my children continue to sleep so poorly at night, how will I do a good job. It is one thing to suffer through your day at home with the kids while dead tired, it is another to try to succeed at the office while severely sleep deprived. How will I fit quality time into the little time left between coming home and bedtime...will I always be left wanting more?

I do think, that if I do go back to work and if we use my salary to pay for daycare and then devote all the remaining only to bills, and keep our current budget, we could probably get all of our debt, excluding our mortgage, and Federal Student loans, paid off in under two years....could we be that disciplined? It that worth the time I would lose with my children....

I just don't know...

Xmas decorations already? Tis the season to Shop?

So I am feeling a bit better. Have had family visiting from out of town which kept me pretty busy for the last few days. As part of their visit we visited a local shopping mall as they wanted to buy a gift for my children. Couldn't believe there are xmas decorations up already! I mean it is not even thanksgiving yet! This coming xmas season is stressing me. I worry about being able to control my spending when there is so much "pressure" to shop. And it seems that everything is so expensive. I know that I will have to shop, as there are some people I have to get gifts for. Mostly the children my life, my own and my nieces nephews, and friend's children. We have decided not to exchange gifts for the adults in my family, which will make the spending much less, as I have a very large family.

Things have improved since my last post. Not great but better...

I have been pretty controlled with my spending, not perfect, but who is. In order to cut my budget I decided to cut my own hair...which could have been disaster, but luckily turned out okay. So this saved me a ton of money..I usually spend about $76 on my hair, as I usually don't trust anyone but my stylist.  Would I advocate this? Probably not. Would I do it again? Maybe. This will buy me at least a little time before I need another haircut.

I have cut tons of coupons this weekend, and am preparing a grocery list and meal plan for the week. So I will report back on the final tally.

As for the weight loss efforts. I have committed to drinking more water, and have tried to choose healthier food options. In the next week I hope to figure out how to integrate some exercise into my schedule.  Sorry this post isn't more interesting but still a bit emotionally and physically exhausted from all the recent drama in my life. 

Only the Lonely....

So I have been thinking...even though I am married and have a family...I AM lonely. It is strange when you are surrounded by people who are supposed to love you but in your heart you feel like no one has your back. My children are too young to factor into this...I have their back and I love them unconditionally. But for the rest of my family it is another story. A recent situation resulted in me needing someone to learn on and be there for me..and I was not able to find anyone. The family I reached out to turned me away.

I am not trying to place the blame on anyone for my situation but all I can say is that the people around me tend to add to it instead of help. I moved from the big city back to my hometown a few years back in order to be closer to my family. And now I am questioning that decision ...

I feel like no one really knows me...in fact I may not even know myself anymore. I have gotten so far away from who I was, that I barely recognize the face in the mirror or the life I am living. Things and activities that used to define me as a person are not even part of my daily existence anymore.  How did I lose myself...I don't like the person I have become. This is not me.

It is hard when you love people but do not the like the choices they make or the way they behave. I love my family and spouse but I have found lately that I do not like them.  Did you ever stop and think if these people where not my family would I like them and want to spend time with them? Makes you think doesn't it....

Sorry this post is a little rambling and scattered but that is how my mind is right now. I have reached a breaking point. Things have to change or I may need to change things! I am beyond tears at this point, I am emotionally numb...

Pictures Don't Lie..

So I saw a picture taken of me over the weekend wearing my favorite green a-line coat and was shocked. I looked liked a walking green house! So I reluctantly got on the scale..OMG!  I am 70 lbs heavier than I should be. I am not a tall girl either. I am only 5"1' so this is a problem. So since I am tackling all the other excess in my life on this blog I am going to add in this weight issue too. So check out the side column for my weigh-in tally and other useful info. So here it goes...healthier life here I come!

Organization here I come!!

So my house is currently cleaner than it has been ever. The floor is clean and bare almost everything is put away. (the Garage however is a disaster but baby steps). We had to have an home owners insurance inspection last week and that was the motivation I needed to really make a dent in things.  I have to say we worked out butts off. There were tears, exhaustion and at times it was extremely overwhelming but overall a success. BUT There are still things to be done. Boxes in the storeroom to be sorted through and unpacked. Some laundry put away, closests and cabinets need to be purged and organized and of course the Garage needs to be dealt with. Overall though I feel like real progress has been made.

However the next step is how do I keep it this way? This is quite a daunting prospect for someone who has no idea on how to upkeep a house, what things need to be done when...so I Googled.  And I found this awesome chore chart on www.motivatedmoms.com . It actually breaks down the upkeep of an regular household into manageable daily chores, each day it mapped out with a short list of household duties that if done keep you from having massive amounts of cleaning to do any one day! This chart has been a godsend and giving me a road map to follow and keeps things from getting overwhelming. I have been doing this for almost 1 and  1/2 weeks and am getting progressively better at getting all of it done. Still get a little behind but this chart keeps me on track. I can't say enough good things about it.