I am still here....and trying to be better.

I am still here, just have not had much to say. I am still depressed. I am still unhappy with myself. Unfortunately, family drama has taken over my life for the last few weeks. Luckily I am not really part of it, however I have been called on to pick sides. But that it that.

I am still very down. I seem to do well for a day or two, and then something triggers my tears again. I have decided I really don't like going out any more. I always feel good at the time, but then I see pictures or something and it is all over.

When I was younger (and hence thin) I never had a problem going out and turning heads. I recently went out with some friends and I felt invisible. No one even looked at me, I felt so unattractive and unwanted. It really dashed my self-esteem again. I need to get back to the gym and try to change this. But it is hard. I have been so tired lately. Not sure if it the depression, or the fact that my kids don't sleep well. Or maybe a combination of the two or stress. But it is really taking a toll on me.

There has been some new exciting and promising developments. I can't say much yet. But an opportunity has come about and things seem to be falling place to make it a reality. This could be a turning point, but I don't want to get my hopes up yet. I will let you know. Should have word by the end of the week.

Sorry this post was a bit rambling...but that it how my mind seems right now.

I am not who you see...this is not the real me...

Awhile back while living in NYC, I had a summer internship, which required me to take the bus to get there. One morning while waiting for the bus, a little old man approached the stop. He was dress in an beautiful tweed vintage suit. He came over to me and smiled a sad smile. In his hands he held a framed 8 x 10 black and white portrait of a very handsome young man, which appeared to have been taken in the 1930-40s. He spoke and held up the picture. "This is the real me, what you see on the outside is not me, this is me, this is what is inside".  He turned and walked away. I sat there stunned. This encounter has haunted me to this day.

I get it though. I feel exactly like that man. I feel the need to carry around a picture from my "glory days". To say I wasn't always the hot mess you see in front of you. I used to be skinny, I used to be organized, I used to be a dancer, I used to be young, I used to be better....and I still feel this way inside even though now one else can see it...can see me, can see the "real" me....I can't even see her anymore.

Inside my head...the turmoil ....the struggle.

I am attempting a purge of my house. A very good friend/relative has agreed to help me. She it seems is the only one that understands what I need. When I ask my family for help, I just get chastised and told stories how they were able to keep their house spotless, with 5 kids working full time, with no help, with one hand tied behind their back, using only a dirty rag...yada yada yada. So once again pointing out that there is something wrong with me...

They don't understand that it is not the cleaning I need help with, it is the process of deciding what goes and letting go of it.

Let me say that my house is not "dirty" there are no piles of garbage strewn about, I do not collect empty bottles, I have electricity and running water, you will not find any decomposing animals or skeletons under mounds of junk. I have stuff. I have alot of stuff. A lot of clutter, A lot of toys, A lot of clothes. Why I have all of this and why a buy stuff is a subject for another post. But this is what is inside my head when attempting to pare it down.

Yesterday was really hard. Every item staring me in the face, slapping me with reality, that I do have a problem, I am not normal. Tears flow even as I write that statement. This is beyond me, I don't know how to fix it, or stop it. I want to scream what is wrong with me, how did this happen. I wasn't always like this.

My mind seems to work differently, to see things differently. Where my "helper" saw three or four items all the same (eg/ shape sorter toys), I saw three uniquely different objects, each with their own value for being kept. I struggled. At times putting something in the sell bin and removing it, and putting it back again several times.  I hated the feeling of taking my children's toys from them, it didn't matter to me that they had too much. I mean those are their things, it doesn't seem fair to take things away without their input. How would you like if you woke up and found someone had sorted through your things and decided what they thought you should keep and got rid of the rest with out asking you. It tore my heart to think that might be upset by this.

I heard myself trying to rationalize with my "helper" as to why each item needed to be kept..it was almost as if I was watching from outside myself. It embarrassed me, yet I still could not make the decisions, and let things go. I kept saying "I know I have too much stuff but I just really want to keep that, the kids like that..etc". So pathetic looking  back....but in the moment, my rational self just seems to be absent...
I really want to let go...I just can't...no one understands... it is NOT simple...it it one of the hardest things I have every gone through...

I hate the word hoarder, for what it connotes...I just see the show...perhaps the show has in a way "criminalized" the word, associating it with mainly with the extreme. I am not the extreme...thankfully...but I it does not matter...I still am not normal..

Why is this stuff so important, why can't I just let it go...why does it have such power over me...why does this overshadow my life...takes it over...what is wrong with me...why is it such a struggle....

I want people to understand, but for them to understand they would have to know the extent of the problem...which would be mortifying. See the problem...

Back to reality...too bad it bites!

So we are back from our trip. It really was nice, it was a breather to get away from everything for awhile, to leave all the "reality" back at home. It was great to see everyone, the kids had a ball with their grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins, the sun and warm weather was really a mood lifter. It was nice to "forget" for awhile.

But now I am back, and reality is a cold, hard slap in the face. The house is worse than ever. The finances are overwhelming. My depression has resurfaced. It is time to deal with all this, but all I want to do it slid under the covers and hide. Not too helpful.

I called Bank of America yesterday to try to negotiate a lower interest rate on my card, it is currently 17.9, it used to be 12.9 and they raised it because of "negative activity on my credit report", I have never been late with a payment, I have never been over the limit, I almost always pay more than the minimum payment, and I have been a customer of theirs since 1999. But apparently that means nothing to them. All that matters in the "negative activity" on my credit report which was a result of a dispute with Citibank which holds one of my student loans.  They also stated that my revolving debt is too high, and they would be happy to reduce my interest rate when approximately 50 percent of it it paid off. Huh?!?  Yet the high interest rate is preventing me from tackling little more than the interest each month...it is a losing battle. Their only suggestion was giving me the number for Consumer Credit Counseling or the like, and stated they would reduce the interest rate if I was working with one of those agencies. It makes no sense to me.

So I starting looking in those types of agencies. Consumer Credit Counseling being the first one I examined. Their website was pretty upfront about how they work and the fees they charge. Yep, that's right they charge fees. $39 to sign up, and $4 per account enrolled per month, or $35 per month flat which ever it lower. They negotiate directly with the credit card banks for lower interest rate, sometimes as low as 1 or 2 %, and lump all you payments in one sum, which you pay to the CCR and they distribute to the credit cards each month. They set you up on a plan usually 5yrs after which you will be credit card debt free.

Doesn't sound too bad, however, the downfalls are,
#1 as soon as you enroll, all the credit card accounts you enroll in the programs are immediately closed, which negatively effects your credit score, sometimes quite a bit.
#2 the fact that your are participating in a debt management program is noted on your credit report, and it can be used as a negative when looking at the credit report.
#3 The only debts that are eligible for the program are credit cards, store cards, and unsecured loans. Student loans are not part, which is the majority of our debts.
So I am unsure if this is good option. We are not in default on any cards, and the 17.9 it the highest interest rate we currently hold. The other cards we have actually have fairly low Aprs. 

I plan on investigating it further, but I am to say I am a bit embarrassed by the whole prospect, I never pictured myself as one of "those" people.  But the actual counseling part of their services are free so it may be worth the time.

Things are just so difficult now that we are home, my mental state is precarious at best. I have cried several times, and just so paralyzed by the overwhelming implications of everything. My failure to be normal, slapping me in the face in every direction I look.  My mother told me upon coming home, that I need serious help. (in reference to the state of my house) but did not offer to help me. Peoples "helpful" suggestions are really bothersome, like telling me to just go get a job and that the kids would be much happier in daycare because they are really bored staying with me!? Yes, because I can just find a job tomorrow, they are handing them on out on the corner, right? And I am sure that daycare it just as easy to find, because who cares who watches your kids? It just makes me want to scream.

I would like to get counseling, but I really cannot afford the co-pays right now...not sure where to go from here.

When you think it can't possibly get worse....it does.

It turns out that I am not good a math. Turns out that forgotten income that was lost in January is much more detrimental to our precarious financial state that you would think.

The short story is that I forgot that I had some $400 a month coming in from a retainer type agreement for a local bank, I did all they needed as needed when needed for a set rate. I had arranged for this money to go directly toward a credit card bill so there was no chance of spending it and that way I would never miss it. Thus it become "forgotten" unseen money. Well that agreement ended with a change in management in December.
 
Now fast forward to March, we have been extremely short on money for the last two months, having to dip into reserved tax money and "vacation" money (not really ours given to us by in-laws so we could come visit), and for the life of me I could not figure out what the problem was. I mean, I had worked so hard to cut our expenses, I should have been seeing a difference but in fact we were coming up shorter than ever. As I sat in our bank parking lot on Friday in tears over the fact that my husband had gotten paid the day before and already all the money was completely gone (to bills), I realized I had forgotten about the $400 which had been taking care of one of the credit card bills completely. And then I began to cry harder (thankfully both kids were sleeping in their car seats as I try very hard to never let them see me upset), how am I supposed to come up $400 more a month. I feel like I have been backed into a corner, I am going to have no choice but to at least go back to work part-time, otherwise we are just going to keep drowning.

I feel like I have completely failed my family and myself.

And to top in off, in the mail I noticed a letter from my husband's student loan servicer (he never opens his mail) so I opened it and found that his loan had come out of deferment and they now would like $798 and by the way this is already past due 45 days.

I am so overwhelmed, I do not even know what to do. Bankruptcy really wouldn't even help that must as the majority of our debt is student loans which would not be forgiven.  I just want to run away or wake up from this nightmare.

How is it that two people with advanced degrees have ended up in such a mess.

So I am back...

It has been awhile, a day turned in weeks, weeks turned into months, and before I knew it I hadn't been on here in a long time. It also means I haven't been that into my "journey".

But I am back...physically and mentally...or somewhat...

So what have I been doing? Well we joined the YMCA, which was a lot to lay out each month, especially when you are trying to save and cut back. But it has been worth it. I have been going to the gym almost every morning while my son is in preschool to work out, and I am able to leave me 1yr old in child watch at the ymca and have some "me" time.  I started out with just 30 mins and have worked up to 1 1/2 hours. I have rediscovered my love of YOGA and pilates. And have lost 10lbs.

Financially, we have cancelled Time Warner cable and internet and switched to Direct TV and DSL. Savings almost $100 per month, we also downgraded our smart phones to regular cell phones and have saved $80 per month. I have been diligently cutting coupons and trying very hard to save money at the Grocery store. I have greatly curtailed my outside coffee and lunch habits, trying to limit any unnecessary food  expenses. By joining the YMCA, I have been able to save Gas by going to a YMCA near my son's preschool, instead of driving home and back while he is at school. Also by creating a GYM habit I have been able to keep myself from shopping while he is at school, which used to be the favorite pastime.

Unfortunately we have had many unforeseen expenses over the last few months, lots of illness and ER visits with lots of copays. My husband's 16 yr old jeep finally became to unsafe to keep driving, and needed to many repairs to make it worth while, so we purchased a used mini-van and took a short term loan to finance it. Originally, we planned to pay off the loan with our Tax return but now I am not sure if that is right plan, as the interest rate on the loan it quite low. So I think it might be more prudent to put the tax money on the credit card with the highest interest rate. I guess we will seen.

We are also going on a trip in the coming month. My husband side of the family always gets together sometime near Easter, they all meet up in Florida where my in-laws live. We have not gone to this get together in several years. Unfortunately my husband's grandmother in not in good health and may not be with us much longer so my husband really wants to go this year to see her and have her see our children. So my mother in law has graciously given us money towards this trip. We cannot afford to fly, so we are going to be driving. I am sure that unexpected expenses will come up, but we will be staying with my in-laws so at least we do not have to pay for lodging. Family is more important than money....

So that is a quick catch up...I will be back more often, as I find I need this outlet in order to be more successful and accountable in this journey.

Family...the ties that bind, the ties that hurt, the ties that pierce you to the core.

Why is it that family, those who are supposed to be there for you, hurt you the most...

I have a large family, several siblings, all brothers. My youngest brother used to be sweetest cutest little thing. I loved him to death. In the last few years I have watched him grow into a negative mean spirited ass. It seems lately he never has anything nice to say to me. It seems that I have become his personal punching bag. He says biting nasty things to me when ever I am around. Why?

I have never done anything mean spirited or nasty to him. I have gone out of my way to help him when he has asked. I have tried to be a good sister. What do I get in return? I get my feeling hurt on a regular basis. It has gotten to the point that I don't even want to go to my parents house (he lives there) anymore. I don't want my children to see him treat me this way.

Why does what he says hurt me so much? Why do family think they can be so mean, would he say these things to others? He did this to me tonight while sitting next to his girlfriend. It was so embarrassing to be treated this way by him in front of someone I barely know.  I left in tears...

I have asked him why...and he just makes more snide comments and mean jabs at me. I give up. I am so done with this...with him. I miss my cute little brother..

So the Holidays are winding down...and reality is closing in.

I know alot of people get down around the holidays. I am usually really good before the holidays. I love the excitement of Christmas. The decorations, of course the buying, the wrapping, but I really like the giving. I love to give presents, maybe to the excess. There is something nice about making someone else happy. Unfortunately I do not always have the money needed to buy the presents that I buy, which gets me in financial hot water. This Christmas was no exception. I was really good until the week before then I got caught up in the buying frenzy...
Credit cards were used, store accounts were used...it was bad.Amazon makes buying too easy. Does it make it better that I was buying for others? Some of the things I bought went to poor migrant families who had nothing for Christmas. I felt that because it was for Charity and it wasn't things I was keeping it was OK, it was worth it.

I have found that the more I put out into the world, the more I am getting back. I have been donating things, money and time to charities and people in need. I have found the world to be returning my generosity.  My 3 yr old and I rang the Bell for Salvation Army Red Kettle Campaign for an hour the week before Christmas. I felt good for showing him how to help others, (until a family member belittled and attacked my choice of Charity). I feel overall I have put more out into the world this year than maybe any year prior.

However now that Christmas has past, this is when my depression sets in. The reality returns cold and biting. The bills, the overdrafts, the negativity. The overwhelming realities of life.  Snow seems dingy and dirty, the Christmas cheer has passed from people's faces. The uncertainty of a new year approaches with the regrets of things not done or unfinished in the past year.

I watched Hoarders last night with sense of fear and awe. I understood their pain, their inability to move forward. A therapist said the the Obsessive is the buying and spending and accumulating, with the compulsive actually being the inability to let go. Am I where they started....I can't go there.

I have to CHANGE in the coming year. I am getting to the point where I don't want to leave the house because I am embarrassed by my appearance. I have no clothes that make me feel presentable much less good. I don't want my children to be embarrassed by me or our home. I must fix our finances so we don't end up in bankruptcy. I have made this mess and I must figure this out.

A friend recently asked "Do you think others see you, the way you see yourself"

I know they don't. I still see in my mind the thin, pretty, successful, put together women I used to be, but when I look in the mirror she is no longer there. Reality Bites....

Disappointing....isn't it!

I am a disappointment.

It seems that no matter what I do, where I go, what I choose I end up disappointing someone.

My weight issue is a disappointment to several members of my family, as I used to be so thin and pretty.

My choice to give up my career as an attorney to stay at home with my children is disappointing to my family as I am wasting my education.

My financial problems are disappointing to myself as well as those around me, as "I really should have it together by now"

My clutter and buying obsession is a disappointment to those around me (as well as myself) as I should be able to "just stop and get rid of stuff".

I was supposed to be thinner, I was supposed to be prettier, I was supposed to super career woman, I was supposed to be financially secure, I was supposed to be domestic and neat, I was supposed to be normal.

But it appears I am none of those things.....I am just a huge disappointment.

Uncomfortable appearances....

So it has gotten to the point that I don't want to go anywhere where people know me. Especially people that have known me for a long time, those who knew me back when I was thin..

I was recently told the story of one of my much younger cousins seeing a picture of me from when I was in college. And she was like "who is that?" My Aunt told her that it was me, and her response was "She was gorgeous.....what happened?".  This story pierced me to my core. I am I that unrecognizable..have a become so large that I am not at all who I was.

And so I worry constantly when amongst people who knew me "before", what are they thinking, are they are talking about me know, will they later, do they pity me, do I disgust them, are they disappointed in me...it is so embarrassing...

I am so embarrassed and uncomfortable ....I just want to hide.

When I shared this revelation with my husband his response, well then just lose weight.

If only it were that easy...

mommylogues- ramblings from my heart....

I have decided to add a new aspect to my blog...mommylogues. This is will discuss my issues, thoughts and dilemmas with motherhood. I will be speaking from the little place inside that rarely get the time of day.

So here is my first one...

Have I lost myself? I am a wife, I am mother, I am homemaker (such a weird term), but who I am, where is the real me...I feel like I used to be so much more. A dancer, an artist, a student, an avid reader, a player of board games, an attorney....

There used to be so much time for me....so much time for hobbies, and fun. Now the most likely "me" time I get is to take a shower...by myself...and I am loathe to admit that these days, my showers aren't even a daily occurrence. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day...

I remember back in the B.C. (Before Children), having endless amounts of time on my hands. Reading, and board games were a daily occurrence...and that strange phenomenon of "having absolutely nothing to do". Do you remember that...being bored...being able to sleep till noon, just relaxing...sometimes it seems so long ago, like the memory of another life.

In a way that is what is was. It was a another life, a different life. My daily existence is so fundamentally different that is used to be....it is like another galaxy! Maybe this is a factor of waiting to have children. It seems that people I went to high school with that got married and had kids right away never had this huge "culture shock" . Their kids are now old enough that they are in the position I was in the B.C.  Maybe it was easier for them because they never had to mourn this loss of personal freedom, as they had yet to really experience it in adulthood.

I waited until my 30's to have get married, and have children. I was so set in my ways by this time that it was a "HUGE" adjustment.  Our B.C. lifestyle was definitely not compatible with children. We lived in NYC with nominal responsibilities beyond our careers. I dressed up for work, everyday, wore makeup, did my hair, wore impossibly high heels. We worked long,  late, irregular hours, went out with friends at the drop of a hat, ordered food in almost daily, went to movies, clubs, and bars several times a week. Went to the gym everyday. Sunday brunch was a ritual. Housekeeping was never our strong suit, we sent our laundry out and picked it up clean and folded.  We did have a dog, but he didn't (and still doesn't) get the amount of attention he deserves. All nighters either for work or fun were a regular occurrence, and we made do, sleep deprivation and all.

Now things are different...we moved to a suburban area to be closer to family, my daily existence now revolves around my two little ones, I (temporarily?) gave up my career to take care of them. I traded my heels for flats, my suits for jeans and sweats (occasionally pajamas, LOL) . We have cars, and a mortgage, and of course the debt left over from school and our crazy single days. Sleep deprivation has taken on a whole new level, my older self being much less able to function after a sleepless night with sobbing children. I get called "mam" ugh..

I guess we moved from a very "egocentric" existence to one more centered on family and that is not a bad thing at all...but it is a hard change. I still struggle to be domestic (this may just never really happen).  I want to be that awesome "stay at home" mom..but most days I barely get by much less attain "super mom" status.

Please don't take this as complaining, as I realize I am extremely blessed to be where I am and have two beautiful children and not everyone is this lucky. But I have to admit that I sometimes miss my old life, the B.C....

I miss myself. I look in the mirror and am startled by the women staring back at me.. I have defined myself by different standards for so long that I have a hard time finding "me" in my current life. I sometimes look wistfully at my old career wardrobe and plethora of beautiful heels, and recently tried a pair on, ones that I had loved, ones that just always made me feel good whenever I wore them. They felt different...like they didn't quite fit right anymore...

I am beginning to realize that is has been a long time since I have seen "myself" and heard my "voice"....I am so much more than just "mommy", but the amount of energy needed to be successful in a day of mommyhood, leaves little reserved for anything else...

Shutterfly, more bang for your Holiday buck!

So it is time for Holiday cards! This can be a complete bank buster, especially if you are like me and want something unique and personal, something that will be saved by family instead of tossed in the trash at the end of the holidays. I have gone the cheap route in the past, with the bargain discount store cards, total waste of postage. I have tried store bought photo cards, expensive with low quality. I have printed photo cards myself, time consuming, inconsistent quality, and more expensive then I thought. Then I found Shutterfly and I will never go back to my old ways. They have an enormous selection, there is a card for everyone's taste on their site shutterfly.com. My personal favorite is the The Family Wall Card . It is a great value, pick pictures from throughout the year to share with those family and friends that you don't get to see that often or use all the different poses from your holidays shots that are so hard to choose from.

Another great value and gift idea is their photo books. I have always wanted to scrapbook. I have the supplies, and the photos but with two young children I just don't have the time. I decided to use Shutterfly photo books to make digital scrapbooks instead. It is incredibly easy and so much faster than scrapbooking. I have been doing a book to commemorate each year of each of my children's lives. I have even ordered extra copies for the grandparents that live in Florida to make them feel more connected to us. With all the great deals and specials Shutterfly offers this is a very cost effective way to save our memories forever and share them with our families as well. Be sure to check them out! Shutterfly Photo Books

Where do I go from here? Go with God?

So not much has changed in the past two weeks. The Thanksgiving holiday was stressful. The money or rather the lack thereof adds a hard edge to the holiday season. I applied for the a full time job.(which I stumbled upon while googling, which was completely a match for my past experience). Although my heart is still thoroughly torn on the idea of going back to work, I figured it worth a shot. My husband's thought was, throw your hat into the ring, and see what happens. He said you don't have to take it (if it is offered) if you really don't want to, just make it an option. So now I wait, it is all in god's hands.

Trying not to spend during the holidays is hard. I have some gift to get. Our family has decided to only buy gifts for the children and not for the adults..so if you are over 21 you are out of luck. LOL  I have been really good at finding deals though. I have found deals on getting free toys from gilt.com, and have used a bunch of coupons. I scoured the clearance racks at Toys R Us. I was able to get gifts for 9 kids for just under $100. And it was nice stuff too! It has been hard however to be shopping and not buying excess. In fact I did over spend at the Old Navy Friends and Family sale. 30% off of the already low clearance prices sent me over the edge. But after stewing over it for several days I took back half of my purchases only keeping the really cheap items. I know I probably should have taken it all back but I just couldn't. So I met myself half way.

I am now looking for a financial adviser. I need a little advice beyond what I know. I am not sure how to go about finding one that will meet our needs, so I asked some friends for referrals. I have been in contact with one person, but I am not sure he is the right guy. But I will let you know what happens.

I have really implemented my coupon binder and I am really trying to only buy food items that I have a coupon for or that are on sale. On my most recent trip to target I ended up saving over $12 in coupons! I was so proud of myself. Plus I didn't buy anything I wouldn't normally buy!

So maybe it is time....

I am seriously considering going back to work. As much as it breaks my heart, it seems that financially I cannot be a stay at home mother anymore. This is something I have been struggling with for the last week or two. I keep going back and forth. I always said I would seriously consider going back to work once my daughter turned one. Well she will be one next month.  It just seems like it came too quickly. I though I had more time. It feels like the last year has flown by. I don't like it.  This is an extremely emotional topic for me. I have spent many moments in tears just in the consideration of this massive life decision.

I am not a perfect stay at home mom. I am not as good as I wanted to be. I am more tired that I thought I would be, I am not as patient as I thought I would be, there is so much I wanted to do with them, intended to do with them, and it just did not turn out as planned. So many crafts undone, and cookies not baked. Is going back to work admitting defeat? Have I failed them? Have I failed myself?

I know that I have made this mess. And I feel extremely guilty that my irresponsible money habits have put me and them in the position of leaving them and going off to work.  The guilt eats me up as night, as I lay in bed unable to sleep. I will miss out on countless special moments with them because of the debt that is drowning us. But they deserve more.

They deserve security...if I don't do this, how long can I keep us from plummeting into the dark abyss of bankruptcy. We could lose everything, and I can't let that happen to them.  But how to I leave them with someone else. It is like leaving your heart....

My little girl is not an easy child to take care of. She is what is politely described as a "high maintenance" baby. She cries....alot!, she is hard to calm. I worry that someone else would not be patient enough with her. I worry someone else might hurt her or worse. How do I do this....?

I also feel extreme guilt as my son had 3 1/2 yrs with me at home. Don't I owe my daughter that much as well? Am I short changing her? Will she hold this against me later? I will miss so much....how do other moms do it?  How I can I entrust the most precious things in my life to someone else? Will the thought of this ever NOT make me cry? How do I choose a childcare provider?

And then there is the issue of balance....how do you balance the job, the kids,the marriage, the housework...I worry that I won't be giving anything 100%, how can I be completely there for everything...something will suffer, something will fall to the wayside.  Especially if my children continue to sleep so poorly at night, how will I do a good job. It is one thing to suffer through your day at home with the kids while dead tired, it is another to try to succeed at the office while severely sleep deprived. How will I fit quality time into the little time left between coming home and bedtime...will I always be left wanting more?

I do think, that if I do go back to work and if we use my salary to pay for daycare and then devote all the remaining only to bills, and keep our current budget, we could probably get all of our debt, excluding our mortgage, and Federal Student loans, paid off in under two years....could we be that disciplined? It that worth the time I would lose with my children....

I just don't know...

Xmas decorations already? Tis the season to Shop?

So I am feeling a bit better. Have had family visiting from out of town which kept me pretty busy for the last few days. As part of their visit we visited a local shopping mall as they wanted to buy a gift for my children. Couldn't believe there are xmas decorations up already! I mean it is not even thanksgiving yet! This coming xmas season is stressing me. I worry about being able to control my spending when there is so much "pressure" to shop. And it seems that everything is so expensive. I know that I will have to shop, as there are some people I have to get gifts for. Mostly the children my life, my own and my nieces nephews, and friend's children. We have decided not to exchange gifts for the adults in my family, which will make the spending much less, as I have a very large family.

Things have improved since my last post. Not great but better...

I have been pretty controlled with my spending, not perfect, but who is. In order to cut my budget I decided to cut my own hair...which could have been disaster, but luckily turned out okay. So this saved me a ton of money..I usually spend about $76 on my hair, as I usually don't trust anyone but my stylist.  Would I advocate this? Probably not. Would I do it again? Maybe. This will buy me at least a little time before I need another haircut.

I have cut tons of coupons this weekend, and am preparing a grocery list and meal plan for the week. So I will report back on the final tally.

As for the weight loss efforts. I have committed to drinking more water, and have tried to choose healthier food options. In the next week I hope to figure out how to integrate some exercise into my schedule.  Sorry this post isn't more interesting but still a bit emotionally and physically exhausted from all the recent drama in my life. 

Only the Lonely....

So I have been thinking...even though I am married and have a family...I AM lonely. It is strange when you are surrounded by people who are supposed to love you but in your heart you feel like no one has your back. My children are too young to factor into this...I have their back and I love them unconditionally. But for the rest of my family it is another story. A recent situation resulted in me needing someone to learn on and be there for me..and I was not able to find anyone. The family I reached out to turned me away.

I am not trying to place the blame on anyone for my situation but all I can say is that the people around me tend to add to it instead of help. I moved from the big city back to my hometown a few years back in order to be closer to my family. And now I am questioning that decision ...

I feel like no one really knows me...in fact I may not even know myself anymore. I have gotten so far away from who I was, that I barely recognize the face in the mirror or the life I am living. Things and activities that used to define me as a person are not even part of my daily existence anymore.  How did I lose myself...I don't like the person I have become. This is not me.

It is hard when you love people but do not the like the choices they make or the way they behave. I love my family and spouse but I have found lately that I do not like them.  Did you ever stop and think if these people where not my family would I like them and want to spend time with them? Makes you think doesn't it....

Sorry this post is a little rambling and scattered but that is how my mind is right now. I have reached a breaking point. Things have to change or I may need to change things! I am beyond tears at this point, I am emotionally numb...

Pictures Don't Lie..

So I saw a picture taken of me over the weekend wearing my favorite green a-line coat and was shocked. I looked liked a walking green house! So I reluctantly got on the scale..OMG!  I am 70 lbs heavier than I should be. I am not a tall girl either. I am only 5"1' so this is a problem. So since I am tackling all the other excess in my life on this blog I am going to add in this weight issue too. So check out the side column for my weigh-in tally and other useful info. So here it goes...healthier life here I come!

Organization here I come!!

So my house is currently cleaner than it has been ever. The floor is clean and bare almost everything is put away. (the Garage however is a disaster but baby steps). We had to have an home owners insurance inspection last week and that was the motivation I needed to really make a dent in things.  I have to say we worked out butts off. There were tears, exhaustion and at times it was extremely overwhelming but overall a success. BUT There are still things to be done. Boxes in the storeroom to be sorted through and unpacked. Some laundry put away, closests and cabinets need to be purged and organized and of course the Garage needs to be dealt with. Overall though I feel like real progress has been made.

However the next step is how do I keep it this way? This is quite a daunting prospect for someone who has no idea on how to upkeep a house, what things need to be done when...so I Googled.  And I found this awesome chore chart on www.motivatedmoms.com . It actually breaks down the upkeep of an regular household into manageable daily chores, each day it mapped out with a short list of household duties that if done keep you from having massive amounts of cleaning to do any one day! This chart has been a godsend and giving me a road map to follow and keeps things from getting overwhelming. I have been doing this for almost 1 and  1/2 weeks and am getting progressively better at getting all of it done. Still get a little behind but this chart keeps me on track. I can't say enough good things about it.

Bogged down by stuff...

There is so much I want to do...start my own business, go back to painting, scrapbook, write a book, and the list goes on....but I feel like I am at a stand still. The "stuff" in my life is holding me back, keeping me stagnant...making me miserable.  I am trying to focus on not spending...everytime I go to buy something I am trying to pause and ask is the more important than getting a new house. I think it is helping. More often than not I am walking out empty handed! Yes there are many accomplishments that must be made before the house is a reality....but the house is a tangible thing I can focus on..it seems more inspiring at the moment than paying off the credit cards. Of course the debt must be paid before we could qualify for another mortgage.

I really want my children to have a better life...than what we have right now. I am purging for them and for me. So far this week I have packed up three huge black trashbags of clothes to get rid of, and have put forty pairs of shoes in a box to give away. It is a start...

However, I am having a hard time with just giving stuff away....I keep thinking I should try to sell stuff and at least get something for it, but at the same time just want it out of the house...does anyone have any thoughts about this?

I am very thankful for those of you that took the time to read my posts and I really value your advice and suggestions and will be looking into every one of them.

The uninspired life....

I am overwhelmed by my situation. The clutter and stuff has become a huge weight on my heart. I feel immobilized by regret and debt. I want to change...I want the stuff to all just go away. Yet I cannot seem to let go. Why can't I find the motivation to fix this, to fix me...I want to be better, I want to be normal.