When you think it can't possibly get worse....it does.

It turns out that I am not good a math. Turns out that forgotten income that was lost in January is much more detrimental to our precarious financial state that you would think.

The short story is that I forgot that I had some $400 a month coming in from a retainer type agreement for a local bank, I did all they needed as needed when needed for a set rate. I had arranged for this money to go directly toward a credit card bill so there was no chance of spending it and that way I would never miss it. Thus it become "forgotten" unseen money. Well that agreement ended with a change in management in December.
 
Now fast forward to March, we have been extremely short on money for the last two months, having to dip into reserved tax money and "vacation" money (not really ours given to us by in-laws so we could come visit), and for the life of me I could not figure out what the problem was. I mean, I had worked so hard to cut our expenses, I should have been seeing a difference but in fact we were coming up shorter than ever. As I sat in our bank parking lot on Friday in tears over the fact that my husband had gotten paid the day before and already all the money was completely gone (to bills), I realized I had forgotten about the $400 which had been taking care of one of the credit card bills completely. And then I began to cry harder (thankfully both kids were sleeping in their car seats as I try very hard to never let them see me upset), how am I supposed to come up $400 more a month. I feel like I have been backed into a corner, I am going to have no choice but to at least go back to work part-time, otherwise we are just going to keep drowning.

I feel like I have completely failed my family and myself.

And to top in off, in the mail I noticed a letter from my husband's student loan servicer (he never opens his mail) so I opened it and found that his loan had come out of deferment and they now would like $798 and by the way this is already past due 45 days.

I am so overwhelmed, I do not even know what to do. Bankruptcy really wouldn't even help that must as the majority of our debt is student loans which would not be forgiven.  I just want to run away or wake up from this nightmare.

How is it that two people with advanced degrees have ended up in such a mess.

Bogged down by stuff...

There is so much I want to do...start my own business, go back to painting, scrapbook, write a book, and the list goes on....but I feel like I am at a stand still. The "stuff" in my life is holding me back, keeping me stagnant...making me miserable.  I am trying to focus on not spending...everytime I go to buy something I am trying to pause and ask is the more important than getting a new house. I think it is helping. More often than not I am walking out empty handed! Yes there are many accomplishments that must be made before the house is a reality....but the house is a tangible thing I can focus on..it seems more inspiring at the moment than paying off the credit cards. Of course the debt must be paid before we could qualify for another mortgage.

I really want my children to have a better life...than what we have right now. I am purging for them and for me. So far this week I have packed up three huge black trashbags of clothes to get rid of, and have put forty pairs of shoes in a box to give away. It is a start...

However, I am having a hard time with just giving stuff away....I keep thinking I should try to sell stuff and at least get something for it, but at the same time just want it out of the house...does anyone have any thoughts about this?

I am very thankful for those of you that took the time to read my posts and I really value your advice and suggestions and will be looking into every one of them.

The uninspired life....

I am overwhelmed by my situation. The clutter and stuff has become a huge weight on my heart. I feel immobilized by regret and debt. I want to change...I want the stuff to all just go away. Yet I cannot seem to let go. Why can't I find the motivation to fix this, to fix me...I want to be better, I want to be normal.

Whip me, beat me, but please don't take away my credit cards.

Hi, and welcome to my life. It probably will take a while for us get to know each other. I am a thirty something stay at home mom, with a dirty little secret. I have a shopping addiction. I love to shop, I need to shop, I must shop. But more specifically it is an an addiction to Bargain Shopping! Thrift stores, Goodwill, Salvation army, you name it, they know me by name. I never really thought this was a problem until last week. People have "joked" with me for years about my shopping and spending. I never really thought it was funny though. And amazingly they probably didn't know how much time I really did spend shopping.

I come from your average middle class suburban family, went to college, went on a got a professional degree. Lived in NYC for awhile, got a dog, got married, had a baby, bought a house and  moved to the suburbs, had another baby, pretty much your average American family now, or maybe not. I also have a large amount of debt. College loans, professional school loans, mortgage, and Credit Cards...more than a few, all with very large balances. These large balances are mostly my fault, I have paid off and rerun up the balances on these cards several times, as this point we are talking about Approx  $50,000 in credit card debt. Yep you saw that right. When I added up all the numbers last week, I had an anxiety attack, and then I realized...Houston, We have a Problem, or rather I have a problem.

So I have a problem and I don't know how to solve it.  But I intend to try and figure out why I am like this ( I wasn't always), how do I treat this, and how do I pay off all that debt!  I intend to chronicle this journey to recovery, please feel free to offer your suggestions and direction as I obviously have made quite a mess of things on my own.

The first step, the credit cards are gone, and I have to admit I feel a bit panicked. I feel stifled and caged. and mostly a bit lost.  I walked into a store earlier this week and then turned red when I realized  I have no way to buy anything. For a moment I felt like the air had been knocked out of me. Then I turned around and pushed my kids out of the store, and my son asked why we were leaving, and I said "Mommy forgot that she didn't have any money",  and he said "mommy that's ok, just charge it!" He is 3, I went back to the car and cried, I don't want to fail my children the way I have failed myself.  So please give me strength to complete this journey to a debt and addiction free life.  Because the person who said money can't buy happiness was completely right!