So maybe it is time....

I am seriously considering going back to work. As much as it breaks my heart, it seems that financially I cannot be a stay at home mother anymore. This is something I have been struggling with for the last week or two. I keep going back and forth. I always said I would seriously consider going back to work once my daughter turned one. Well she will be one next month.  It just seems like it came too quickly. I though I had more time. It feels like the last year has flown by. I don't like it.  This is an extremely emotional topic for me. I have spent many moments in tears just in the consideration of this massive life decision.

I am not a perfect stay at home mom. I am not as good as I wanted to be. I am more tired that I thought I would be, I am not as patient as I thought I would be, there is so much I wanted to do with them, intended to do with them, and it just did not turn out as planned. So many crafts undone, and cookies not baked. Is going back to work admitting defeat? Have I failed them? Have I failed myself?

I know that I have made this mess. And I feel extremely guilty that my irresponsible money habits have put me and them in the position of leaving them and going off to work.  The guilt eats me up as night, as I lay in bed unable to sleep. I will miss out on countless special moments with them because of the debt that is drowning us. But they deserve more.

They deserve security...if I don't do this, how long can I keep us from plummeting into the dark abyss of bankruptcy. We could lose everything, and I can't let that happen to them.  But how to I leave them with someone else. It is like leaving your heart....

My little girl is not an easy child to take care of. She is what is politely described as a "high maintenance" baby. She cries....alot!, she is hard to calm. I worry that someone else would not be patient enough with her. I worry someone else might hurt her or worse. How do I do this....?

I also feel extreme guilt as my son had 3 1/2 yrs with me at home. Don't I owe my daughter that much as well? Am I short changing her? Will she hold this against me later? I will miss so much....how do other moms do it?  How I can I entrust the most precious things in my life to someone else? Will the thought of this ever NOT make me cry? How do I choose a childcare provider?

And then there is the issue of balance....how do you balance the job, the kids,the marriage, the housework...I worry that I won't be giving anything 100%, how can I be completely there for everything...something will suffer, something will fall to the wayside.  Especially if my children continue to sleep so poorly at night, how will I do a good job. It is one thing to suffer through your day at home with the kids while dead tired, it is another to try to succeed at the office while severely sleep deprived. How will I fit quality time into the little time left between coming home and bedtime...will I always be left wanting more?

I do think, that if I do go back to work and if we use my salary to pay for daycare and then devote all the remaining only to bills, and keep our current budget, we could probably get all of our debt, excluding our mortgage, and Federal Student loans, paid off in under two years....could we be that disciplined? It that worth the time I would lose with my children....

I just don't know...