So I am back...

It has been awhile, a day turned in weeks, weeks turned into months, and before I knew it I hadn't been on here in a long time. It also means I haven't been that into my "journey".

But I am back...physically and mentally...or somewhat...

So what have I been doing? Well we joined the YMCA, which was a lot to lay out each month, especially when you are trying to save and cut back. But it has been worth it. I have been going to the gym almost every morning while my son is in preschool to work out, and I am able to leave me 1yr old in child watch at the ymca and have some "me" time.  I started out with just 30 mins and have worked up to 1 1/2 hours. I have rediscovered my love of YOGA and pilates. And have lost 10lbs.

Financially, we have cancelled Time Warner cable and internet and switched to Direct TV and DSL. Savings almost $100 per month, we also downgraded our smart phones to regular cell phones and have saved $80 per month. I have been diligently cutting coupons and trying very hard to save money at the Grocery store. I have greatly curtailed my outside coffee and lunch habits, trying to limit any unnecessary food  expenses. By joining the YMCA, I have been able to save Gas by going to a YMCA near my son's preschool, instead of driving home and back while he is at school. Also by creating a GYM habit I have been able to keep myself from shopping while he is at school, which used to be the favorite pastime.

Unfortunately we have had many unforeseen expenses over the last few months, lots of illness and ER visits with lots of copays. My husband's 16 yr old jeep finally became to unsafe to keep driving, and needed to many repairs to make it worth while, so we purchased a used mini-van and took a short term loan to finance it. Originally, we planned to pay off the loan with our Tax return but now I am not sure if that is right plan, as the interest rate on the loan it quite low. So I think it might be more prudent to put the tax money on the credit card with the highest interest rate. I guess we will seen.

We are also going on a trip in the coming month. My husband side of the family always gets together sometime near Easter, they all meet up in Florida where my in-laws live. We have not gone to this get together in several years. Unfortunately my husband's grandmother in not in good health and may not be with us much longer so my husband really wants to go this year to see her and have her see our children. So my mother in law has graciously given us money towards this trip. We cannot afford to fly, so we are going to be driving. I am sure that unexpected expenses will come up, but we will be staying with my in-laws so at least we do not have to pay for lodging. Family is more important than money....

So that is a quick catch up...I will be back more often, as I find I need this outlet in order to be more successful and accountable in this journey.

Family...the ties that bind, the ties that hurt, the ties that pierce you to the core.

Why is it that family, those who are supposed to be there for you, hurt you the most...

I have a large family, several siblings, all brothers. My youngest brother used to be sweetest cutest little thing. I loved him to death. In the last few years I have watched him grow into a negative mean spirited ass. It seems lately he never has anything nice to say to me. It seems that I have become his personal punching bag. He says biting nasty things to me when ever I am around. Why?

I have never done anything mean spirited or nasty to him. I have gone out of my way to help him when he has asked. I have tried to be a good sister. What do I get in return? I get my feeling hurt on a regular basis. It has gotten to the point that I don't even want to go to my parents house (he lives there) anymore. I don't want my children to see him treat me this way.

Why does what he says hurt me so much? Why do family think they can be so mean, would he say these things to others? He did this to me tonight while sitting next to his girlfriend. It was so embarrassing to be treated this way by him in front of someone I barely know.  I left in tears...

I have asked him why...and he just makes more snide comments and mean jabs at me. I give up. I am so done with this...with him. I miss my cute little brother..

Only the Lonely....

So I have been thinking...even though I am married and have a family...I AM lonely. It is strange when you are surrounded by people who are supposed to love you but in your heart you feel like no one has your back. My children are too young to factor into this...I have their back and I love them unconditionally. But for the rest of my family it is another story. A recent situation resulted in me needing someone to learn on and be there for me..and I was not able to find anyone. The family I reached out to turned me away.

I am not trying to place the blame on anyone for my situation but all I can say is that the people around me tend to add to it instead of help. I moved from the big city back to my hometown a few years back in order to be closer to my family. And now I am questioning that decision ...

I feel like no one really knows me...in fact I may not even know myself anymore. I have gotten so far away from who I was, that I barely recognize the face in the mirror or the life I am living. Things and activities that used to define me as a person are not even part of my daily existence anymore.  How did I lose myself...I don't like the person I have become. This is not me.

It is hard when you love people but do not the like the choices they make or the way they behave. I love my family and spouse but I have found lately that I do not like them.  Did you ever stop and think if these people where not my family would I like them and want to spend time with them? Makes you think doesn't it....

Sorry this post is a little rambling and scattered but that is how my mind is right now. I have reached a breaking point. Things have to change or I may need to change things! I am beyond tears at this point, I am emotionally numb...